for Arthur

K I am creating this document cz I am trusting you with my inner most.

I am so scared that I will be misunderstood hence why I rarely go into much detail about what I experience during what is called psychosis or mania.

For me, a more appropriate name for what I am experiencing would be ‘a calibration/alignment of my being’. Aligning me to my true purpose and reason for existing. The Japanese call this ikigai.

During these periods I feel like isangoma. I am very powerful. My whole being is very fine tuned to even the smallest changes. Contrary to the stigma of psychosis, I am very much aware of the tiniest things. As you can imagine, being so sensitive during this period also means I feel pain a million fold. I also feel joy, rage, all the ranges of the emotions,  probably more than a million fold. 

It is very important that you do not give me advice or ask me questions during this period. As I would be elated, please speak to me in a calm voice. If I do not respond or respond with something that seems weird, please do not push me to explain then, just make a note of it and ask me later when my emotions have come back down to a baseline (this could take weeks or months). I am very aware of other people’s emotions during this period and very aware of how scared and worried they are. Please try not to show this. Just speak to me in a calm voice.

I cannot stress this enough!! DO NOT GIVE ME ADVICE during this period. I am fully aware that what I am doing may seem odd to you or not make sense or embarass you. Unless I am actually putting myself in physical danger, please allow me to process what I am experiencing in my own way. Regardless of how far fetched or irresponsible my actions are, only intervene when I am putting myself in physical danger or others.

I would like to think that I am in a stage of my life where the likelihood of me actually harming others or being abusive is low, but I’m saying it just in case I lose control.

I have also found that during this period I have to be in my home. In my space. Being taken out of my home severely disorientates me and causes me to be violent/sink deep into delusions & hallucinations that don’t even make sense to me and it’s even harder to come back down to a baseline.

Also being around strangers is very scary for me during this period, or people that are not emotionally mature. 

During this time because it feels like I am processing SO MUCH! I have developed my own rituals to help me navigate everything I am processing. Hence the “odd behaviour”. To me these are my rituals.

So before you read any further, it would be helpful to watch these TED talks

OK now moving on to the part that is most scary. For me, these periods of alignment show me that World Peace will happen because of me. 

This idea has scared me so much because I feel like it’s a huge ego trip and negates my core belief that World peace will be achieved by all of us. I am also very much aware that this idea is also a symbol. Something my being has to aim for in order for me to achieve my life’s purpose. 

But since having psychotic episodes, I have seen how influential I have been in the lives of those around me. I am fully aware that the symbol could also mean maybe I bumped into a stranger and said the right thing to them at the right time which leads them to bring the world closer to World Peace.

I don’t know myself what my visions and ideas truly mean but I understand that there are severe negative consequences if I don’t take note of them and act accordingly.

Hence why it’s so important to just let me process what is happening uninterrupted.

K so I also experience what I call God and believe others have described as God within me. It feels like my soul transcends and travels far beyond even God, past universes and time. Beyond God? I asked myself once I experienced this. I am everyone and everything and can see so far beyond what I would normally do in our shared reality.

It is alluring. Pure creativity. Unbound. Anything could be anything. Everything could be anything. .. . . Its feeling all things at once with the ability to shrink your view point to the tiniest particle of existence. Having access to everyone and everything in existence. Being everyone and everything.

For this reason, the idea of a male God as the most powerful being seems obsolete to me. The bible is a collection of poems to me. An anthology. Religions and belief systems are like movies for me. Basically ways of translating information we are all experiencing and trying to make sense of it all.

K let me give you a taste of my religion/what I want the world to look like when my time is up on earth and my body disintegrates into the soil. . . .

It will be helpful if you take your time processing these. Looking up the lyrics and reading them. Looking up any words you don’t know. Taking your time with it. Researching the histories, concepts, myths etc . . Analysing the word play and symbology. Watching the interviews with the artist explaining their work, researching the artists…. Take your time. It’s a marathon not a sprint. Also you have to watch/listen to the full video/song so as to not miss what I am trying to communicate.

If like me, you feel scared or too overwhelmed, just remember to put it down and focus on the things that bring meaning to you. After all, you are also the creator of your life and have the power to shape it in a way that is more aligned to your beliefs.

Also not sure if you know, my name Nozipho means Goddess of Gifts and I do like to think of myself as a deity.

K here goes:

  1. Saul Williams poem – Said The Shotgun To The Head – https://youtu.be/wKdHX2T5WcM 
  2. Saul Williams poem – Coded Language – https://youtu.be/jzY2-GRDiPM 
  3. Beyonce – Run The World – https://youtu.be/VBmMU_iwe6U 
  4. Janelle Monae Song – Many Moons https://youtu.be/EZyyORSHbaE
  5. Janelle Monae Song – Tightrope https://youtu.be/pwnefUaKCbc
  6. Janelle Monae – Dance Apocalyptic – https://youtu.be/eaMBagakSdM
  7. Kanye West – Ultralight Beam – https://youtu.be/6oHdAA3AqnE 
  8. Kanye West – New Slaves –  https://youtu.be/B8Uxvp1ctfA 
  9. M.I.A. – Borders – https://youtu.be/r-Nw7HbaeWY
  10. Andy Weir – The Egg (very short story) – http://www.galactanet.com/oneoff/theegg_mod.html 
  11. M.I.A.- Bring The Noize –  https://youtu.be/RvUVxYndYuU 
  12. Frank Ocean – Pyramids- https://youtu.be/wqcqj62NcZg
  13. Frank Ocean – Pink Matter – https://youtu.be/uaLV003llhY 
  14. George the Poet & JP Cooper – I Got You – https://youtu.be/XyawsnK9TLQ 
  15. Hugh Masekela -Stimela https://youtu.be/n4Bb7p9gggc 
  16. Beyonce – Bigger – https://youtu.be/JED5wEKc3Lc 
  17. Beyonce – My Power –  https://youtu.be/uCzeVj4x_Hs 
  18. Beyonce- ALREADY – https://youtu.be/agCgvFTJeRs 
  19. If you have time, the whole film for Black Is King on Disney Plus by Beyonce is AMAZING!
  20. Little Simz – Venom – https://youtu.be/Kh8Q2iytzns  – this song articulates perfectly the rage I feel towards you when we talk about the roles of women and gender roles + how women are treated. To me it seems like you regularly dismiss ideas I tell you initially and mock/ridicule/down play their importance then months later you tell me the very same idea but this time you say it’s AMAZING and makes perfect sense because you heard it from a man. I regularly feel disrespected by you because of this and have to remind myself that you were birthed and nurtured by a society that celebrates the mundane shit of those who were born with penises whilst destroying those who were born with vulvas.
  21. Staceyann Chin – All Oppression Is Connected – https://youtu.be/4XfvZPG32-g 
  22. Staceyanne Chin – Feminist or Womanist – https://youtu.be/PQOmyebFVV8 
  23. SEVDALIZA – HUMAN – https://youtu.be/9t7SclAXoQw 
  24. FKA Twigs – Mary Magdalene – https://youtu.be/fD7kgjYo7Ls
  25. FKA Twigs – interview – https://youtu.be/FU88-ILTX5A 
  26. Hannah Gadsby – Nanette (comedy special) – https://www.netflix.com/gb/title/80233611?s=a&trkid=13747225&t=more&vlang=en&clip=80998602   
  27. Janelle Monae – Cold War – https://youtu.be/lqmORiHNtN4 
  28. Janelle Monae – Q.U.E.E.N. – https://youtu.be/tEddixS-UoU 
  29. M.I.A. – YALA – https://youtu.be/r4VQoP2_eL4 
  30. M.I.A. – Broader Than A Border – https://youtu.be/SJuFdkMOP20 
  31. Erykah Badu – On and On – …..& on too – https://youtu.be/AjRURNO4bd8 
  32. Little Simz live – https://youtu.be/fUjFLdUTpo0 
  33. Little Simz – Tiny Desk Concert – https://youtu.be/Nkt93coQzqg 
  34. Solange- When I Get Home – https://vimeo.com/329841592 
  35. Dave – Black – https://youtu.be/mXLS2IzZSdg 
  36. Stomzy – Vossi Bop – https://youtu.be/9ClYy0MxsU0 
  37. Beyonce – ALIEN SUPERSTAR – https://youtu.be/e_aT9pAGQo8 
  38. Beyonce – CUFF IT – https://youtu.be/yrtWLyp5gLI 
  39. Stormzy- Mel Made Me Do It – https://youtu.be/2litzsFCwkA 
  40. Ted Talk – The Art Of Being Yourself – https://youtu.be/FU88-ILTX5A 

TTHEQUUENSMANIFESTO

  1. World peace – shake Nyash on a yacht as I receive the last Nobel Peace prize
  2. All design should follow nature – biomimicry
  3. All man made products to be completely and safely biodegradable within 1 year max
  4. No more borders
  5. Free movement of people
  6. Money to behave like air and bank accounts like lungs
  7. All basic human needs to be free
  8. Freedom to express our truest selves in a safe and nurturing world

i hold life in my hands and i am aiming it at you

nozipho ndlovu mathe

Dear Blog Post Reader,

Dear Blog Post Reader,

Thank you for staying with me thus far

I bid you a safe farewell

Thank you for staying with me thus far

I bid you a safe farewell

Soothing music by Nai Palm x x x

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